Olivia's Journal
by MHismyHERO
Summary: Olivia reflects her feelings toward her mother and has flashbacks of her old life before SVU.


**Disclaimer:**I do not own or am a part of the creation of Law and Order: SVU, But I do bow down to all creators! I also do not own or am involved with the creation of the characters that I will write about.

**Summary:** Olivia reflects her feelings toward her mother and has flashbacks of her old life before SVU.

**A Note from Me:** Hey Guys! Well this is my first fan fiction I have posted online and I do hope you like! If you have any questions or concerns, PLEASE contact me!

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Its was a quite cold night out as Olivia Benson sat on her couch, clutching her old, worn out journal.

This journal had been all she had to talk to while she was beginning to grow up in her teen years.

Her mother had quit listening to her and began to ignore her like an orphan child.

While she was growing up her mother blamed all of her mistakes on Olivia.

Telling her that if it weren't for her, her life would have been different.

Her life style wasn't much to brag about,

a small apartment barely big enough for the two of them.

In this journal she has had for all so long held her deepest secrets,

Every time her mother lied to her and every time her mother would be too drunk to even go to the restroom was written in this small yet important book.

Although she never told her mom, she did truly love her and did remember and hold close to her heart every sober minute they spent together.

She did look up to her mom.

She respected her strength she had during the rough times of her life.

She slowly opened up the book, so carefully not to rip the pages out.

The first page read:

November 27th, 1979.

Well I found a few dollars in the street and decided to buy a journal.

As always mom was drunk tonight. She went out for thanksgiving with some friends and obviously had to much fun. Another holiday down the drain. I talked to Ann and she told me about how every year her cousins and grandparents come over and they all sit at a long table and ate. I wish I could have a time like that. Just be able to sit down and eat with my mom. Have some time with her; Just her and I… Nobody else….

Well I will get back to you later… Love always… Livy

A tear began to run down her face as she remembered that night.

Her mother walked in, well she didn't actually walk, she kind of stumbled, and then fell onto the ground.

Olivia shook her head. She didn't want to remember her mother as that person.

She wanted to remember her as a woman of strength and courage.

And that name, Livy. It was what her mother called her when she was a child.

Nobody but her mother had ever called her that. It always made Liv feel good when her mother used her nicknames.

She missed her mom vary dearly. As Olivia became older and more responsible, here mother and herself became a lot closer. Every bad case was passed through her mom, and advice was always given by her mom.

Another tear began to run down her face as she remembered one day when she was 15,

Her mom had taken her out of school early and told Liv

"Livy… Lets go have some fun. I took the day off and thought we could go to Central Park and just hang out"

That day was not at all what she wanted it to be.

Turned out her mother, of course, put rum in a coke she had and got drunk.

Olivia had no idea what to do.

Her mother passed out on a bench and was not responding.

Olivia quickly ran, in full tears. She just walked as far as she could stand, leaving her mother alone in the park

She couldn't stand It much longer.

Her mother lied to her to many times…

She had broken way to many promises

She had put Olivia down to many times so finally it was time for a break….

Olivia wiped her eyes and turned the pages a few times.

Then, a date jumped out that grabbed her eyes…

January 23rd, 1983,

I cant take it anymore… My mother has driven me over the edge and I have finally decided to run away, far away from this place. I don't know where I am going, but it doesn't matter. I am going to run away and go to collage. I am finally out of high school which was holding me to this place! I just want to be free and away from my mother… I will miss you… you have been my source of comfort since I was 14 and I will always keep you with me!

Love for the Last time… Olivia….

She remembered that day as if it were just yesterday…

She gave her mom one last kiss and of course she was wasted, she said goodbye, and left the place that held all that childhood pain.

She was lonely and lost.

Not even knowing if she would have a bed to sleep in that night…

She was off to go to school…

She had always had a knack for crime.

Since she was always well aware of what happened to her mom.

She always wanted to be a cop.

So there she was,

Standing at the attendance area at the local Police Academy.

Olivia didn't care how much it will cost.

She could find a way to pay for school.

She just wanted school.

Olivia sat there, staring into the darkness of the room,

then looked up at the small end table where she had some old photos.

She stood up, walked over, and picked up one photo that she completely loved.

It was right before her mom died.

Olivia had met up with her mom for her moms birthday.

It was one of the last times she spoke to her mother.

Olivia began to cry…

She threw the photo down on the ground and the frame shattered….

She collapsed on the ground with a loud thump… She just lied there, breathing in and out vary deeply.

If only she could go back to her life. Help her mom fight through what killed her.

"WHY?"

"Why?"

She screamed it into the darkness at the top of her lungs…

"MOM WHY DO THIS TO ME! WHY MAKE ME LIVE THAT WAY? WHY NOT COME TO ME!

I COULD OF HELPED YOU!"

She began to cry more and more…

Until she finally just cried herself to sleep.

There she was, Lying on the floor, asleep. She got the weekend off from Cregan but it was already up.

She woke up at 7:45 to her beeper.

She got up, Washed her face, got dress, and was off to work. She looked at her face in the rear view mirror and notice her eyes were still swollen up from crying.

She got out her compact and tried to cover it up as best as possible.

She parked her car in front of One Police Plaza, Got out and walked up the steps and up the elevator to the "Special Victims Unit" floor.

She saw Elliot and tried to avoid him as much as possible because he always worried about her,

And seemed to always know when she had been crying.

"Hey Liv!" she hears him say

"Hey Elliot" she replied, as he said,

"How was your weekend?"

iEND!


End file.
